Television

by Allan Kronenberg (FRHS, 1949)

(from the June, 1948 Dolphin Yearbook)

I always wondered about the marvels of television until we got a set. A television set is perfect for those who love sports. For the women of the house, there isn't much to see unless they like baseball, football, basketball, boxing, wrestling, hockey, tennis, and any other sport that doesn't involve live music. (Mr. Petrillo doesn't allow live musicians to perform on television. He has no ruling against dead ones.) There are some good shows such as the Theater Guild Shows, but they are put on only once every three weeks or so. As for famous actors, John Carradine seems to be the all around television talent handy man. There are some programs such as newsreels, but when you are watching a good one, your set will usually go on the blink or the program will go off because of "operational difficulties", or "technical difficulties beyond our control." One excuse used by television stations is: "We have momentarily lost our picture." The "moment" usually lasts from one hour to two or three days. When they haven't any idea of what's wrong and can still send out a picture, they hang up a "Please Stand By" sign and leave you hanging in suspense while they busily think up excuses. If I were to stand every time I saw one of those "Please Stand By" signs, I would have bunions as big as the television screen. As for the televised movies, they show Bobby Breen when he was smaller than his own children are now. (If he has any.)
Television claims it is growing. If I grew that fast I would be as big as the print on this page. In the last six months only one station in New York has increased its broadcast time. That was by a tremendous fifteen minutes.

When you get a television set, you are told that you will get prompt service if your set breaks down. The service company is composed of extreme optimists who believe that sets will outlive their guarantee.
If your television set works satisfactorily, you are confronted with another problem: how to get rid of neighbors or other people who didn't know you until you got a television set. They seem to think that you are to be deprived of all privacy, not to speak of furniture, as a penalty for buying a television set. They are under the impression that if you are honored with their presence, you should feed them and give them drink. They also want your house as warm as they like it and the lights out in all the rooms so they can feel they are sitting on a soft couch in the movies. They also believe that the owner of the set should have no choice of programs. After they leave, the house usually looks as if it had been put through a meat grinder, and when they come in to borrow something the next day, they tell you how messy your house looks.

When you reassure yourself by thinking of the good benefit shows you've enjoyed, your consoling visitors remark, "What a sucker you were to pay so much for a set when the price is sure to come down soon!"